


Feeling Blue

by AgentHoot



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Blue is the real MVP, Canon Universe, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Gen Work, Lance and Blue bond, Self-Esteem Issues, Takes place mid season two, characters except for lance and blue just mentioned
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-25
Updated: 2017-07-25
Packaged: 2018-12-06 18:58:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,982
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11606910
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AgentHoot/pseuds/AgentHoot
Summary: Lance finds himself sneaking out of his room late at night, plagued by his thoughts and unable to sleep. In the darkness of the castle, he's left to face his feelings of inadequacy on his own.Or is he?Where Lance doubts his self-worth, but finds an unlikely friend to keep him going.





	Feeling Blue

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! This is the first fic I've written in... well, AGES, and the first one for this account and fandom. I decided to knock it out for Lance's Birthday Week, because I just love Lance so much. I'm weak.
> 
> Anyway, enjoy! Happy Birthday to Lance~

Lance squinted. Dark. Why did space have to be so dark. The inner Castle lights were on enough to see by, but dimmed considerably for the sake of sleeping. Allura had grudgingly accepted the lighting change, on the grounds that “if you’re all stumbling around blind during an attack, don’t come crying to me!” 

Shiro had asked for the change so they all could get some rest, but not for the reason Allura thought; It was more to discourage Hunk’s late night food-goo snacking, which was loud enough to wake everyone up anyway. The dark might’ve kept Hunk away for awhile, but his tenacity was not to be underestimated. And so began the daily guerrilla war between Shiro and Hunk. Shiro would set obstacles to keep Hunk from nightly snacking, and Hunk would find a way around them, outwitting Shiro every time. 

Lance smiled to himself. Seeing Shiro’s baffled face every morning when he found his latest trap foiled was becoming the best morning pick-me-up. Him and Pidge had started a list of the best Shiro Reactions, which they planned to release as a blockbuster film back on Earth. The best part was that Shiro and Hunk never talked about it. They did their cat-and-mouse game independently of each other and pretended nothing was going on. 

Why Shiro thought he could best Hunk at this game in the first place was beyond any of them.

Lance winced at the loud click his door made as it opened, revealing a dim hallway. Noises were always so much louder when everyone was sleeping. The last thing he wanted to do was wake Keith up again — the stupid mullet-head had nearly impaled him on his bayard last time Lance was up and about at night, claiming “I thought you were a galra infiltrator!” 

It wasn’t Lance’s fault that Keith was such a light sleeper. He probably woke himself up breathing at night, the weirdo. Even worse was the fact that Keith was totally oblivious to Hunk’s own sneaking around. How did that guy move so quietly?

Thankfully the sound brought no angry red paladin, and there didn’t seem to be sign of Hunk either.

Lance tip-toed until he was safely away from the other rooms before resuming a normal stride. The metal of the floor was cold against his bare feet but he didn’t really mind. Coming out here had become a common ritual, something to do when his bed brought no comfort for his wandering thoughts. 

The monitors of the main control hub were off of course, and the room appeared cloaked in shadow. It was the kind of dark that you could easily see by, but also one that clung to the edges of your vision and left you uneasy. A darkness that made you check behind yourself when you walked through it, lest you fall prey to some imagined horror lurking just outside of your vision.

Lance squirmed. He hated this kind of dark. Before Voltron he feared it as he fears ghosts, but now it just felt…dead. A constant reminder of their isolation. Sure other planets were just a wormhole jump away, but they were also a _whole wormhole jump away._ Everything he had grown up around was an unfathomable distance away.

He took a seat leaning against a supportive beam that was embedded into the window. There was no need to look around for a spot, this is where he always sat. From here he could see any number of stars and galaxies — the sole sources of light in an infinite vacuum of space.

Some nights were brighter than others, depending where the castle was. Some nights he could see huge stretches of nebulas, or catch a nearby rogue planet. Other nights there’d be nearly nothing, just a bunch of faint lights amid an endless expanse of  space. Tonight was a typical night, save for an occasional asteroid that passed by. They had stopped inside an asteroid belt, although it was hard to tell by looking. Each asteroid was miles apart from each other. Sci-fi movies were such liars about spacial distance.

The glass of the window was cold against Lance’s cheek when he pressed up against it. In a sudden impulse, he fogged it up with his breath and drew a smiley face on it. It reminded him of how his niece and nephew would always do the same on car windows — whenever they would go on car trips together the kids always covered the car windows in doodles, of anything from flowers to insulting pictures of Lance’s face. Lance’s siblings would just laugh and joke about how they were a “shocking resemblance” to the real thing. Which was ridiculous. He would never be caught dead with a Coran-esque mustache, nor a unibrow. Honestly. 

After a moment’s hesitation he added a mustache and unibrow to his own drawing. Why not, right? He could pretend it was Keith. Or Coran, even. The kids would probably love Coran, although he’d probably be an easy target for their antics.

Lance hastily smothered an emotion welling up in him. Where did that come from? Surely he shouldn’t expect that his blood family would ever meet his new, strange space family—

 _What the heck._ That was a problem all on its own. Space family? As if. Once they defeated the galra there’d be no need for this anymore. Voltron could be tucked away and everyone could go back to…whatever. They were only together because they had to be, after all.

He sighed, bringing his thoughts under wraps. This is how it usually was. He’d come out here in the night whenever he couldn’t sleep, and he’d count the stars. Somehow the counting always devolved into a mess of deep thoughts. Sometimes they were good, particularly after a good mission, but usually they were more depressing. Almost every time he’d end up hyper-fixating on one moment. A time in a mission he did something cool. Or a time he’d messed up. A time he’d nearly gotten everyone killed. Or captured. Or something else.

During these times someone always called him out for his mistakes. Usually Keith. Sometimes it was Shiro, who’d reprimand him in his “I’m not mad, just disappointed” voice. If it was a technical thing Pidge would do it. Once Hunk even did it, though he apologized profusely afterwards for sounding harsh. As if Lance could hold it against him when the big guy looked ready to bawl. Keith was less apologetic. 

Somewhere a sensible part of him knew they got mad because mistakes were dangerous, and each one risked his and their lives. They were just worried, and for good reason. And yet. And _yet_. Each irritated remark stung. Each mistake shook his pride. Cracks he never realized were there were faltering under the pressure. The fate of the universe was on their shoulders. This was so much more than flight simulations. 

God, the flight simulations. He couldn’t even pass one of those, yet he was flying a mystical robot lion to save an unfathomable amount of lives? It was so much. Every other paladin had shown their worth by now. Pidge and Hunk were geniuses— they could handle tech like nobody’s business. Pidge could hack and they both could build incredible machines from scrap metal. Not to mention Hunk’s culinary expertise.

Shiro and Keith were incredible fighters in their own right. Shiro was a natural leader, poised and unfaltering, not to mention a demon of a sparring partner. Keith was a hothead, but his instincts and skills weren’t something to bat an eye at. It was clear to see Shiro favored him among the other paladins.

Somewhere in there…sat Lance. When he tried to come up with something only he could do he fell short. He’d never trained to fight. Never been a natural leader. He was top of his class in the Garrison sure, but that seemed to translate to jack in the practical setting. He wasn’t a whiz with tech. He was an okay shot with his bayard. That was it. Of course he had his moments when he pulled through, but all too often it felt like he was struggling to keep up. Each achievement for him was normal behavior for the others. Expected. Nothing to be too proud of. 

He wanted to be with them. He wanted to have a thing. To be essential. To be a brave paladin who defended the universe. But he also felt like a kid who was being thrown into something he was far too young for; and, like a child, he just wanted to go home. 

A tear slid unbidden from his eye, as if mocking him for his hypocrisy.

Lance wanted desperately for his family, but somewhere along the line, a new one had snuck into his life, one that he was embarrassed by how much he had come to love. He loved Shiro and Hunk’s games. He loved Pidge’s snarky attitude. He loved Allura’s sense of purpose. He loved Coran’s stories of Altea. Heck, he even loved his jabs with Keith once in awhile. It was a makeshift family, stitched together from fabrics that didn’t match at all, but it was still good. 

Did the others feel like this? Unlikely. Many of them had already made it clear where they wanted to be, and it wasn’t here. He was the sentimental one.

Was this going to be his life? Stuck in an invisible tug-of-war, unable to be satisfied or let go. He was so, so _selfish._ Selfish and childish. No one else got like this. He wouldn’t be able to look Shiro in the eye if the other knew about his inhibitions. Nor Pidge for that matter — she was living every day knowing her family could be dead, but he was the one breaking down? Pathetic. 

A low, sustained noise broke him out of his stupor, and he quickly wiped his eyes. If he was to be caught like this, he’d at least like to look a little dignified.

When no paladin appeared, he slowly stood up. The control hub was just as dark and empty as it was when he entered, but the noise kept up. An involuntary shudder passed through him. This was probably how, like, 90% of bad teen horror movies started. And here he was, about to investigate the noise like the _fool_ who was going to be the first to die. 

Lance wished he had his bayard.

He crept back into the hallway he emerged from, noting the noise wasn’t coming from any of the rooms. Which meant…it was coming from deeper inside the castle. Great.

“Ha ha…funny one guys…” Lance whispered to himself humorlessly. At least the noise wasn’t exceptionally creepy, it sounded like an old computer booting and rebooting itself endlessly. A high-low alternating whistle. Okay, in the dark of a dimmed castle, it was actually pretty creepy.

It wasn’t coming from the dining room (guess Hunk had already came and went),  nor the training deck. Similarly nothing was stirring around the healing pods or cryo-pods. Now his feet were actually getting cold. To think, he could be getting his beauty sleep instead…

The next turn of a corner gave him pause. It was the airlock. Funny, it was the exact one that had nearly _sent him into space fairly recently_. Guess this was it. The castle was still haunted and it was his time to die.

And yet he passed the airlock without any problem. The sound continued uninterrupted further on, a beacon that he had to follow, despite his instincts telling him not to. Even worse, past this point was darker still than where he had been. No one really came this way on the day-to-day. 

After ages of a few wrong turns and near trips, Lance found himself somewhere incredibly familiar.

“Wait… Blue?” It was his lion, in all her metallic glory. He hadn’t even known that the way he came was a way to get to her. Her sitting position towered above him, and she seemed alert despite all her systems appearing off.

“Was that noise coming from you?” In a hot moment he wondered if it could’ve been the sound of her snoring, and he cracked a lopsided smile. Could huge robotic lions snore? He hoped she was dreaming of something catlike, like chasing mice through an open field. Were there big robot mice somewhere? Probably not, but it was too good of an idea to _not_ bring up to Coran later. 

As if answering his inquiry, Blue’s systems suddenly started up unbidden, her eyes flashing a brilliant yellow like a crack of lightning in the dark. The other lights in the room eventually turned themselves on in response to her, but Lance’s focus was already fixed.

“Whoa whoa! Girl! I didn’t mean it! You don’t snore!” He waved his arms frantically, trying to mentally urge her to turn back off. Everyone would be _pissed_ if they woke up from the sound she was making. 

A huge gust of wind buffeted Lance in the face, making him take a step back and cover his face. When the gust was done he was surprised to see Blue hadn’t moved. Or rather…

Did she just snort at him? Rude.

“Alright girl, for real…” He stepped up and put a hand on her massive paw. “Could you power off? I don’t want to have to go up and manually do it.”

Instead, in a move that Lance would never have expected, and one he’d never forget, Blue lowered her great head to his level, her nose close enough to reach out and touch if he wanted to. Her size was intimidating, but he wasn’t scared. This was his lion after all.

 

**_Hello little one._ **

 

Wait a second.

What.

“YOU TALK?” Lance would have spit out his drink if he was drinking anything. Holy cow. The others were going to be _so jealous._ Well. Talking was a strong word for it. She was a voice inside his head — a very strong, majestic, and _regal sounding_ voice, and yet softened in an affectionate manner. It made him feel something he couldn’t place. 

 

**_I can speak to your mind only when you touch me, and only when you need to hear it._ **

 

“When I need to hear it? But… we’re not in battle or anything. Nothing’s going on.” Lance could think of plenty of battles he could’ve used some kind of instruction, like how to _operate her_ maybe? This situation right now wasn’t anywhere on the list.

Something rung in his mind. Not a sound, but more of a feeling. Blue was amused.

 

**_You and I are bonded, Paladin. I am privy to your thoughts…_ **

 

Embarrassment struck like lightning. God, did she know about his mermaid fantasies? That he sang in the shower?

Another amused ring in his mind. Well, now she sure did. 

 

**_While I cannot hear your thoughts unless you are with me, I am ever aware of your emotions. I feel your pain and your joy as if they were my own._ **

 

A new mind-feeling struck. Empathy.

 

**_Your grief is my own, little cub._ **

 

“What, I—I don’t—” he cleared his throat— “I’m fine! See, fine!” Lance gesticulated to himself with the hand not touching Blue. He hated the fact that he had to face his own weaknesses on his own, but letting others know about it was even worse. Having Blue see his fragility was the worst possible outcome. He was supposed to be her steadfast paladin, someone who proved themselves worthy enough to pilot her. If she knew the state his mind and heart were in, there really wasn’t any hope for him, was there? She would choose someone more capable than him, and there’d be no reason for him to stay in Voltron. No reason for the others to put up with him any longer.

Another puff of air interrupted his thoughts, though it was less forceful this time. It was more a warm reassuring gust, letting Lance know Blue had heard those thoughts as well.

 

**_Little one, do you know what it means to be my pilot?_ **

 

Lance inhaled sharply. He had interrupted Allura when she was first introducing it, so he didn’t completely know what it was all about. Supposedly he fit the categories of it, but he had never really taken it to heart. Maybe the Blue Lion was just the Miscellaneous Lion, like Hufflepuff or something. The other lions had a thing but maybe he just. Didn’t.

Something popped in his mind. Like a mental rubber-band to the arm. Blue was certainly _not_ a “Miscellaneous Lion”.

 

**_Let me show you something._ **

 

In an instant Lance felt the sensation of being carried up by a breeze, lofted miles and miles above and away from where he was. He shut his eyes in fear, but Blue was right there with him, a reassuring feeling that he was, and would always be, safe with her. A moment’s hesitation later he reopened his eyes, and had to immediately shut them again.

 _Bright._ It was the only way to describe it. A brilliant sun was crowning over an unfamiliar horizon, reflecting off a huge scenery of…glaciers?

This was definitely _not_ the castle. It was a planet of ice and mist, lit up by a foreign sun that seemed close enough to touch. Far off to his left a geyser burst from the ice, carrying water up from what he assumed was a deep ocean hidden below. Looking up, Lance saw a clear sky of pink and gold. It was breathtaking.

He turned, on instinct, to his right, somehow unsurprised to find Blue perched there. She seemed more alive here than ever, even though physically she looked exactly the same as she had in the castle.

“Where are we?”

 

**_This…is my planet, the paragon of my being. Each lion has one, and this is mine._ **

 

Blue sounded proud. Like a queen looking over her prosperous kingdom. She gazed out with the same unmoving expression she always wore, and yet in it Lance saw enough to fill a thousand novels. This was her, in her most primal and profound element. He couldn’t take his eyes off of her. She was beautiful and majestic, a force that spanned thousands of years and still stood as sturdy as ever. The glaciers, the geysers, the endless ocean beneath them… all were a testament to her spirit. Suddenly Lance realized what Pidge had been talking about back with the Olkari—how everything was connected. Blue was one with everything here, and through her so was Lance.

Blue stood up, her great claws sinking into the ice. Her whole body tensed, and for a hot moment Lance wondered if she was going to jump. Instead, she pushed out her chest towards the beyond.

And _roared._

Lance had heard her roar before. Many times. But this—this was something else. The ice beneath her claws shook and cracked, and he swore he could feel the ocean meters below them _tremble._ And Lance could only stand in shock, the chill wind blowing through him as if he were made of paper. This moment was important. He could feel it in his bones. Maybe this wouldn’t have any significance outside of here and now, but here and now it was something he didn’t want to ever forget.

Screw it.

Lance took the deepest breath he could.

The cold air stung his lungs.

_Screw it._

 

He let go.

 

A deep scream, ragged and primal ripped itself from his lungs. It was a sound he didn’t know he was capable of, filled with emotions he didn’t know he had. He screamed until his breath left him, then screamed some more. He screamed for his family, new and old. He screamed for his insecurities. His fears. His doubts. All laid out onto this unfamiliar world until he had nothing left to give.

Lance’s chest heaved with effort, his mouth sucking in cold air and making him cough. Ice seemed to materialize inside his lungs, and yet he had never felt more alive.

Blue’s mouth shut solidly along with him, and the only sound remaining was their combined echo. She turned to him, and something new was shining in her golden eyes. Understanding, satisfaction, and something else. She had heard his pain and his longing, and seemed to have affirmed a thought that Lance wasn’t privy to.

 

**_Look around you, paladin, tell me what you see._ **

 

Lance took a moment to catch his breath, before doing as she asked. The scenery hadn’t exactly changed from when they got here just minutes before, so he wasn’t sure what she was expecting.

“Uh, ice? Cold? It’s cold as heck. Um…” Another glance around. “It’s morning? It’s really, really bright.” He brought a hand up to shield his eyes, accentuating his point. Blue rumbled approvingly.

 

**_Yes. Light. The ice here reflects the light of the star and magnifies it tenfold. This star, on its own, is quite dim. But here… it achieves brilliance._ **

 

Well that’s neat. Lance wasn’t sure where this was going, but he was sure without a doubt some meaningful metaphor was at the end of it. Blue mentally flicked him again, but there was amusement there too. He was totally right.

 

**_You are that ice. You give your brethren a medium by which to shine. Without you, their light cannot hope to reach beyond themselves._ **

 

So he was a glorified mirror? Fantastic.

Blue shot him a look. Guess that wasn’t the point.

 

**_In darkness you show the path. In grief you are the soothing waters. In war you are the piercing chill. In peace you are the joy of snow._ **

 

“In Voltron I’m a leg.”

 

**_Lance._ **

 

Lance laughed. He laughed deep from his stomach and couldn’t stop. This was the first time Blue had actually called him by his name, and her tone was just too funny. She sounded like a disappointed mom. He clutched his stomach with his arms as he folded over in glee, his lungs not at all happy with the abuse they were facing today. This was better than he had felt in a long time. 

Blue radiated warmth in his mind. She was affectionately amused with his antics, and in a moment of clarity he understood why she had chosen him. He was all she had hoped for and more. After thousands of years waiting on Earth, she had seen a potential in him that she wanted to nurture. A goofy, flirtatious, and competitive boy from Cuba would become her champion, and she wouldn’t have it any other way.

Blue leaned down to him, and on instinct he reached his hand up to touch her muzzle. She was his lion, he was her paladin, and together they were one, together with this strange icy world.

 

**_In war and peace I will be with you. As will your brothers and sisters in Voltron. We will fight for and with you. You are more than you know._ **

 

They stood like that for some time, talking between themselves until the dawn had finished its course. Somewhere along the line Lance had stopped feeling the cold, instead resting in a companionable warmth between him and Blue.

At some point during their talk he must have passed out, because when he awoke he was sprawled over Blue’s paw back in the hangar. There was a terrible soreness in his back from his weird posture, and he briefly wondered if he had dreamt the whole thing. Looking up, he could just make out Blue’s face from high above him. She hadn’t moved positions in the hangar, and all her systems were powered down. Still, stretched out across her paw he could feel a familiar presence resting in his mind.

 

He was going to be just fine.

**Author's Note:**

> Phew. Yikes. I know I'm a very rusty writer, but I'm not sure how I feel about this? In a lot of ways it's an accomplishment to get back into something you haven't done in awhile, so I won't give myself too hard a time. Seeing something I don't like just gives me motivation to do better next time.
> 
> Let me know what you think! Kudos and comments make for a happy writer <3


End file.
